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Surviving Domestic Violence: Voices of Women Who Broke Free, by Elaine Weiss
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SURVIVING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE tells the stories of twelve women. Each was a victim of domestic violence, escaped from her abuser, reclaimed her dignity, reconstructed her life, and rediscovered peace. Domestic violence doesn’t just happen "out there" somewhere. It happens in our town, in our neighborhood, on our street. It happens to women we see at work, the supermarket, the movie theater, the ballet and the PTA board meeting. Every woman who has left an abusive man—every woman who has yet to leave—will find encouragement and hope in the voices of these women who broke free.
- Sales Rank: #99998 in Books
- Published on: 2004-02-01
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.50" h x .51" w x 5.50" l, .60 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 224 pages
Review
"Early in the marriage, I was too immature to recognize that damage could occur emotionally to my son. But as Bobby got older, and I matured, then I knew I didn't want him to be exposed to any more of this. So my job was to find a way to get free. And then I just started plotting, and biding my time till I was secure enough to let the plan unfold.' Carolee Curtis, Hospital Administrator "My mother said, Judy, he has an invisible whip that he's just whipping you with all the time.' I thought, you know, he has whipped me enough. I am not going to allow him to whip me any more." Judy North, First-Grade Teacher. "When I woke up in the hospital, I knew that I didn't deserve what he had been doing to me for all those years. It wasn't right. It wasn't my fault, and there was no way I'd ever want to be around him again." Maryellen Kasimian, Medical Student
From the Publisher
It is with pride that Volcano Press is publishing Elaine Weiss. Her books demonstrate the great advances in the struggle against family violence that have taken place since we first published BATTERED WIVES in the early 1970s.
In those early days, a handful of feminists, scattered across the United States, were creating shelters for battered women--without funding, without community understanding, against great odds. It was and still is a historic movement.
Today, we have the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), which established an agency of the U.S. Department of Justice. In addition, there are many state domestic violence coalitions and a myriad of local and national programs to support battered women.
And, as author Elaine Weiss says, "Most abused women are not passive victims. They show enormous strength, both while they are within the relationship, and as they work to extricate themselves. One proof of this strength is the huge number who ultimately manage to break free and go on with their lives. They do not wait to be rescued. They rescue themselves. They are resourceful. They fight back. They take care of themselves, and often of their children."
We thank Elaine for giving voices to these women.
Ruth Gottstein, Publisher
Adam Gottstein, Associate Publisher
Volcano Press
From the Author
"Writing this book," I wrote in the summer of 1999, as I put the finishing touches on the first printing of Surviving Domestic Violence, "has taught me that stories can be gifts." Each woman I interviewed gave me the gift of her story. I was touched and honored that they gave so freely of themselves.
Today, four years later, as I write the prologue to the newest printing, I still believe that stories are gifts. But since the book has been published, I have continued to receive gifts. These days, my gifts are the words of my readers: men and women who have written to me, sharing their thoughts and feelings about the book.
I made it easy for them do so by including my e-mail address in the book. I admit that I agonized over this decision. Would anyone bother to write? What would they say? Naturally, I hoped my readers would thank me for my words. I hoped they would tell me that the book had helped them untangle the messy threads of abuse in their own lives or in the lives of someone they cared about. At the same time, I feared (my fears reinforced by the little voice that whispers in a corner of my mind at two o’clock in the morning) that the book would stagnate on bookstore shelves as the occasional browser flipped idly through a few pages and returned it to the shelf.
May this book help other women "break free".
Most helpful customer reviews
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
These women like most people have no prior knowledge of the techniques ...
By Vashti
Honest, Compelling, Compassionate
No one can describe domestic abuse more accurately than those who have experienced it. Elaine Weiss offers
a remarkable insider's view of the problem. As a victim, and an educator, she covers the topic with a mixture of objectivity and compassion.
She takes you inside the day to day lives of the victim, several victims in fact (including Weiss). By drawing upon all the little acts of torture that merge together to make the lives of victims a despotic, complicated, chilling reality, she provides a blueprint of each victim's abuse experience.
There can be no doubt that domestic abuse victims are prisoners of war, and unlike most wars, no one is coming to rescue them. The problem is it takes time for victimized persons in this setting to realize they have been drawn into a war. After all each of the persons portrayed in the book were simply trying to overcome the psychological blows that struck them one after another, several times a day, for hours, and the physical blows that came out of no where. These women like most people have no prior knowledge of the techniques used to overthrow the free will of another human. They have had no training in tactical acts of sabotage or sustained psychological violence all of which are used in war.
Each victim was simply trying to attain normalcy and as a result the abuser raised the stakes under the pretense that the problem was the victim's unwillingness or inability to comply with their demands. Trying to achieve a normal life meant resistance which to the abuser was disobedience and merited overt or covert punishments that were both psychological and physical and not in the ways we think of domestic abuse.
It's like sitting on a persons legs and asking them to stand, then piling a variety of heavy and dehumanizing items on top of them to torture and observe their suffering and prevent them from standing, while you criticize, and terrorize them psychologically. Then once they have managed to create an opening, you beat them, and degrade them. Then when they reach out for help others scrutinize their resolve and ask the ridiculous question, why don't you leave? Instead of "How can I help?"
What I found interesting is how easy it is for others to judge victimized persons, to make light of their situation, to blame them, to do nothing to aid a fellow human in distress and then complain that the victim is not doing enough to help themselves. The fact is those who commit domestic abuse are brilliant military strategist, they place all their energies on keeping their victims trapped to gain complete control over their lives. They are experienced manipulators. Each victim's story shows the planning and careful execution of the person who chose to become the abuser. Surely their actions makes them predatory humans. How do we expect a normal thinking person in distress, to out think a predatory thinker? It is not that the victim does not want to defeat her abuser, she does. She simply cannot do it at the speed of lightning. There are many things she has to put in place to survive her abuser's attempts to stop her.
The book focuses on the incredible bravery and ingenuity of victims, the way they build a tunnel to get out of the war zone, they do this in microscopic amounts even if it takes them years or decades because on their own it is the best they can do. This book breaks down domestic abuse from the point of view of a victim/victims. It shows how willing they are to empower each other knowing that no one outside their experiences can grasp the agony they face alone, terrified in a war zone without human aid.
The methods the victims used were so ingenious I made notes of them and bought additional books, two of which were on Guided Imagery, a technique used by one of the victims who imagined herself pushing a wheelbarrow and piling bricks into it and building an imaginary wall while she was being psychologically abused by her spouse. The author pointed to the fact that Guide Imagery is used by Olympic athletes. Another victim decided not to pursue domestic abuse charges because the outcome was uncertain instead she focused on other illicit acts her husband had committed and took the information to the police, this clever move lead to his arrest and a lengthy sentence, giving her the time she needed to get him out of the house, gain a job, establish savings, and move to another state with their son. This was incredibly smart because most abusers are also breaking the law in other areas of their lives where the rules for punishment are more clearly defined, and the sentences are steeper. Another victim, a teenager, had her abuser arrested for rape because he broke into her parents home to carry out the assault.
The book points out that once the victim is free of her abuser she must still deal with the aftermath of the abuse which can make a victim vulnerable to other injurious personalities...after all sharks smell plight better than most, they are always searching for the wounded among us. For example, after the victim who was rape sought psychological care, the therapist tried to convince her that she was also to blame for the relationship and what happened to her. Having experienced what abuse sounds like and looks like she knew from just one session that this therapist was harmful to her well being and did not return for a second serving. Good for her!!!! The bottom line is once victims understand how to spot an abuser they do their best to avoid persons with abusive traits.
Additionally I bought the companion book by Elaine Weiss for individuals who would like to learn how to help abuse victims Family and Friends' Guide to Domestic Violence: How to Listen, Talk and Take Action When Someone You Care About is Being Abused.
When purchasing "Surviving Domestic Violence" for a victimized person in a DV setting also purchase a copy of companion book for yourself. If you would like to help someone who is out of her abusive situation I also recommend Mary Ellen O'Toole, book "Dangerous Instincts", and In Sheep's Clothing by George K Simon. Also look for a good resource on personal safety because leaving an abuser means forcing them to give up their control, and it is during this period that victims are harassed, stalked, threatened, attacked, and / or murdered.
A good example of how this occurs is the case of Trottie and Barbara Canada. I am using this example because this media advisory offers
details in such a way that one can clearly see the escalation of the abuser's behavior. Keep in mind that at anytime he could have simply
left her alone but that meant giving up the control he needed to have over her. Sick.
https://www.texasattorneygeneral.gov/oagnews/release.php?id=4832
Other books that can be useful for personal safety: Abusers often monitor the victim's activity after they have left
to determine when is the right time to plan an attack.
1.) Countering Hostile Surveillance: Detect, Evade, and Neutralize Physical Surveillance Threats by ACM IV Security Services
2.) Also visit the National Stalking Resources for free literature. downloads, and advice on cyber security.
Many abusers stalk victims after they leave online.
Website resources for personal safety:
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/
Items sold by Amazon that can be used for personal safety:
The victim should try to document any threats Amazon has a good digital recorder that can be used for this:
1.) iGearPro 8GB Digital Audio Voice Recorder - Multifunctional Portable Rechargeable Dictaphone MP3 Player by iGearPro
A great device for making sure the door cannot be opened even if the abuser should attain a key to the victim's new residence.
2. Addalock - (1 Piece) by Rishon Enterprises
3. Door Jammer / Portable Door Security Device by DoorJammer
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
PASS THIS BOOK TO OTHERS IT WILL SAVE LIVES
By Liz Parr
I have been in contact with many battered women. I survived an abusive relationship myself that was physically, sexually and emotionally assaultive. My abuser was able to access my family, friends, money, car, children, and wreak havoc. He tried to systematically isolate and demoralize my spirit, and humiliate me when I stood up to him.
Domestic violence doesn't end when the violence ends. It's about power and control over her - isolation, cut off of social contacts, friends, and family, controlling her finances, turning the children against her, and threatening her. Hitting, shoving, grabbing, blocking escape, tackling, punching, choking, and throwing objects. These are just some of the tactics battered women experience. There are many more subtle tactics batterers will use with her friends and family.
"He's such a great guy" I have heard over and over. "He's so friendly, and and personable". This is the catch 22 of a victim's plight. He may often be an aggressive bully who stops at nothing to get his needs met. Batterers run the gamut in personality but their relation to their victims is the same. Their needs always come first at her expense.
By all outward appearances the guy seems like a charmer. He's very often got a great job, friends, and status. He's wonderful with family and friends, but dangerous with you in private. The horror of his charm is that underneath it there is a person obsessed with exerting power and control, and willing to carry out that end by nearly any means and always at your expense.
Abusers target their most intimate partners and family members, and most of us never know it. More light needs to be shed on this topic. Elaine Weiss helps you identify the pattern of behaviors that comprise a batterer. She helps you devise a safety plan. And she gives strategies for dealing with a batterers tactics that attempt to confuse, and disarm you. Battering is deliberate. It is not at all a random set of behaviors.
I survived a batterer who tried to choke, shove, grab, and block me from escaping my apartment. He was able to contact my family and friends in ways that isolated me from them, and made contact difficult. My children and I were literally hostages. I was not able to escape for years and until well after I had an attorney. The abuse did not end there though. He threatened to take my children.
These are extremely angry and controlling men who on the surface appear normal. Never underestimate your gut instincts or the red flags that signal to you that are with a batterer.
MORE LIGHT NEEDS TO BE SHED ON THIS TOPIC AND THIS BOOK IS MEANT TO BE READ AND PASSED TO FRIENDS.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Everyone Knows, We Just Pretend Not To
By Beverly Diehl
Unless you live in a cave far away from all human beings, you know somebody who's in a domestic violence situation right now. Your neighbor, two doors down. Your child's second grade teacher. Your sister-in-law.
Maybe it's even you.
Hiding the bruises, the nervousness, the fear, that something is going to set him (or her) off. Again. Walking on eggshells, trying to pretend everything is normal. Because we all know it's SHAMEFUL to be a victim of abuse, right? If it wasn't shameful, wouldn't we all openly talk about it?
Besides, why don't they leave?
If you care, you'll read this book and find out. It addresses that issue, and more. Often, women (and men) DO leave a home where they are physically or verbally abused. Sometimes, they stay because they are afraid if they leave, they will be killed. Sometimes they ARE killed, either right after they leave, or before they can do so.
This book shares the stories of twelve women (though men can be victims, too) who, "despite the humiliation, fear, and isolation she endured, each ultimately managed to escape from her abuser. These are stories, not of frailty, but of clarity, resourcefulness, and strength."
We can't all work at safe houses and spend our days 24/7 talking about domestic violence (though surely it deserves as much of our attention as the latest reality show). But we can all spend a few hours understanding the dynamics from the victim-turned-survivor's point of view, and that's what this book gives us.
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